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Rules Of Iowa

November 12, 2015
by Dan Voigt , Emmetsburg News

A friend living in Omaha sent me the following set of rules for living in Iowa, after watching and hearing lots of "Urban"?ideas and comments about us folks out here "in the sticks," as it were. After reading these rules, I thought several were very appropriate.

See if you agree!

In Rural Iowa, we have a few rules of common sense -

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot with them down around your knees.

2. Turn your cap bill forward - it's supposed to shade your eyes, not the back of your neck. And as far as that goes, wear it straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. By the way, they are called gravel roads and they get dusty. I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. P.S. - It will wash.

4. Those big animals are cattle. Think of them as live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. So, get over the smell. Still don't like it? I-80 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one and drive.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines that are driven only three weeks a year.

6. Yes, almost every person in rural Iowa waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If your cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming towards the deer stand, the phone will be shot from your hands. So, you'd better hope it's not by your ear at that moment....

8. Yeah, we eat potatoes, gravy and red meat. You really want just sushi and caviar? It's available... down at the bait shop.

9. In Iowa, the 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's an almost religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age. Why? Because it's the RIGHT thing to do. It's called being polite.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the ham and turkey.

12. When we put a meal on the table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three seasonings - salt, pepper, and ketchup. By the way, we don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be a brown, liquid in a bottle or can, and best served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be a cutie, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and high school football are as important here as the Cowboys and the Dolphins... and a whole lot more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit into the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all. We have State Universities , Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. Kids come out of all of them with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.

18. Turn down your blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump noise isn't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. For reference, see Rule #1.

19. Four inches of snow isn't a blizzard - it's just flurries. Drive in it like you've got some sense - that means you don't drive 70 and expect to stop on a dime. Another thing, DON'T rush to the grocery store, grab all the bread, milk, and bleach. This isn't Alaska . In the worst case scenario, you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snowplows will have you out the next day.

20. By the way.... if you want to talk to God in Iowa , it's a local call.

 
 
 

 

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